Long Duck Dong

Celebrate Clint Eastwood's Birthday With His 8 Manliest Life Moments

Clint Eastwood is more man than I’ll ever be. He’s more man than you’ll ever be, and he’s more man than your manliest friend on his manliest day. He makes Chuck Norris look like the fat kid from Bad Santa and Jet Li like Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles . Other so-called tough guys use their fists and roundhouse kicks to mete out justice; Eastwood simply scowls at his opponents with a mix of contempt and annoyance until they back down. That’s the way a real man gets shit done. He wrangles wills with his fiery eyes and frightening reputation. If you’re stupid enough to still throw down, he’ll gladly add you to his lengthy execution list, but know, as he stands over you with a loaded .44 Magnum, that his aggressive, determined leer gave you a way out, you dumb son of a bitch.

Today, May 31st, is Clint Eastwood’s birthday. For years, he’s entertained us with his violent onslaughts and respectable manners around the ladies. He’s taught our sons how to stand up for themselves and our daughters how to be scared and horny at the same time. These life lessons deserve restitution. But what do you get a man who’s always just taken everything he’s ever wanted? What do you get an eighty-one year old who’s lived more than you could ever hope to? A man like that doesn’t want gift cards to Outback Steakhouse or a massage. No doubt he kills his meat and cooks it himself and lets beautiful women rub him down as their birthday gifts. No, these trifles just won’t do. The only thing you can give a good, honest man like that is a pat on the back for a life well done.

So, here’s to you, on your eighty-first birthday, Mr. Eastwood. It’s eight of your greatest moments…


Driving A Train Into A Saloon The Clint Eastwood/ Robert Duvall 1972 flick Joe Kidd has mostly been forgotten, though I don’t see how. Not only does it have one of the greatest movie posters ever , it also includes a scene where Eastwood, driving a train, says “Fuck it”, and barrels beyond the tracks into a saloon. Then, he blows away the bartender and patrons inside and emerges to let the local sheriff know he has a prisoner in his custody. That’s how you handle a train. You don’t try to stop it, you turn it into the fifty ton weapon God intended it to be. You hear that Denzel Washington and Chris Pine?

Revenge of the Nerds: (Not So) New Representations Of Asian Male ...

Representation of Asian men in popular culture – and specifically comedy – hasn’t really changed much. They’re mostly still nerdy, socially incapable background characters. Still, primetime TV has shown us that Asian men can be more than just quiet contributions to set dressing. They can be funny in their own right. But being the funny bro doesn’t really mean you’ll have any more success with the ladies. Just ask Lester Patel from Chuck,

Lester (Vik Sahay) works at the Buy More as part of Chuck’s Nerd Herd team and occasionally performs as part of the music group Jeffster! with his best friend, Jeff. Raj (Kunal Nayyar) is an astrophysicist at Caltech who suffers from a case of selective mutism in which he can’t speak to women outside of his family (except after the consumption of alcohol). Tom (Aziz Ansari) is a member of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation department team, often serving as Leslie Knope’s right-hand man.

The Asians have gotten cooler, but they still aren’t quite cool, yet.

Raj: Listen, I know everyone is quick to talk about stereotypes and all that, but the fact is … I can’t talk to women.

Tom: Whoa, whoa, wait.

Lester: Dude, that’s a rough blow.

Raj: I mean, I can when I’m drunk. And when I’m drunk, I’m smooth.

Lester: Yeah, buddy. Sure.

Tom: There’s a quick fix to all this, Raj. If you can’t talk to women, just hit up the club like your boy, T-Dog here.

Raj: Who is -

Tom: Me, it’s me. You roll up in the club, looking slick and the ladies will come to you.

Lester: Or you can just do what I do.

Raj: What, work at the Buy More doing menial labor?

Lester: You can look at it like that. Or you can see it as a prime opportunity to access dozens of high-tech audio-visual equipment at any given moment, where the women flock to you to solve their computer problems. And, you know, maybe a camera slips down someone’s shirt. Accidentally.

Raj: Ohhhh. But isn’t that illegal?

Lester: [snort] Legal schmegal. We’re talking about a prime opportunity for babe scopage.

Have any of you ever had long-term relationships?